Families Going the Distance

This year some parents may be facing their first Christmas away from children. Others may be reconnecting with children they no longer see regularly and are wondering how to make it work.

For an increasing number of families long distances between parents and children for at least some part of the year are normal. Many experts and parents agree that relationships can work well and remain strong with a bit of planning and a few tips. Strategies that work for separated families can also help intact families separated through work.

Whatever your situation, for an increasing number of families, long distances between parents and children for at least some part of the year, are normal. And many experts and parents agree that, with planning and a few tips, relationships can work well and remain strong. Many strategies work for intact families as well as separated parents.

Many families going the distance

Divorce, greater mobility and a globalised economy have all increased the numbers of parents living or working at great distance from their children. Sometimes couples make the decision together. For others the arrangement is forced by circumstances. Some factors include:

• Relocation of an ex-partner interstate or overseas
• Fly-in/fly-out relationships (also known as FIFO), where one or both parents work shifts in remote locations. Common in the mining industry, this is increasingly occurring in other sectors
• Rural families who supplement income by one parent regularly working ‘off-farm’
• Relocation or deployment of one or both parents with the Australian Defence Forces and similar agencies
• Short or long-term promotions and postings where the rest of the family cannot or do not want to relocate due to children's schooling, ageing parents, spousal career and study commitments

Changing workplaces and expectations

Jennie Hannan is the Executive General Manager of Services for Anglicare in Western Australia, a state that knows a lot about parenting over great distances. She has noticed during more than 25 years working with children and families, that long distance work is having a greater impact on the emotional life of families.

Hannan’s family has moved several states over the years and she says towns such as Karratha in WA and Newman in Queensland were built by companies to deliver community and sporting infrastructure for employees and their families.

However since the since the late 1980s, the resources boom, cheaper travel and better communication has made FIFO viable. One practitioner working with families believes that corporate responsibility towards families has sharply declined during this time.

Now employees may do seven or ten day shifts at remote locations, living a single lifestyle, in men-only, barrack-style accommodation. They may have fully serviced apartments, cooked meals and entertainment. Family life is far away, ‘on hold’ until the flight home.

Nicole Quinn has seen similar changes in military families. Quinn — a navy spouse for over 13 years — is the national convenor of Defence Families Australia, the advocacy group for the families of defence members.
‘Families used to live on the base and develop networks with other defence families’ Quinn says. ‘While this helped maintain good communication and links with other families in similar situations, those were more traditional times. Women usually did not work outside the home. Now spouses and children, are maintaining their own work and social networks.’
Both Hannan and Quinn agree that the changing expectations of employers and spouses mean that families are less likely to relocate with the employee.  This puts a strain on relationships. According to Hannan ‘Couples are spending substantial relationship time separately and parent-child relationships can suffer.’

Commitment to making it work

A number of elements make distance parenting a success: good communication, flexibility, planning and having a cooperative approach. Most important is a mutual commitment to parenting well regardless of work or family circumstances says Hannan.

Parents for life 

Even when the couple relationship is over, parents need to understand that parenthood is forever. They need to take responsibility for being part of their children’s lives and share the emotional work, particularly with older children.

Supporting the other parent’s contribution

Each parent needs to make space for the other parent and respect the role they play. For intact families the home parent needs to keep the away parent ‘emotionally present’ during absences. Frequent contact between child and parent and consultation between parents on important matters relating to children are vital.

Commitment to co-parenting 

Children benefit when their parents work collaboratively. This applies to separated couples where a friendly and businesslike interaction focused on children’s best interest helps. But intact couples also need to make sure that each backs up the other’s parenting rather than undermines.

Connecting and reconnecting

Long distance parenting needs more effort, more creativity and perhaps more planning but Jennie Hannan believes there are many things you can do to stay connected while away and to reconnect when together.

Understand the cycle of emotions

Children separated from parents experience a range of emotions during the cycle of ‘home and away’.  Recognising the pattern of emotions is key to managing your own and your children’s reactions. Family members may experience feelings of anxiety, fear, anger, elation and disappointment at different times. The cycle of emotions may start well before separation and continue after reunion.

Couples need to negotiate parenting tasks and down-time for each person says Hannan. Click here for more tips on couples reconnecting.

Stay interested

‘A parent’s level of interest is more important than proximity, frequency or time’ says Jennie Hannan. While every relationship needs some time spent together, ‘a parent who does not show interest in their child’s life is not going to have the same relationship as one who shows they are thinking about their child, interested in what is happening in their day, their hobbies and friendships’.
Away parents can make an extra effort to remember significant events and dates such as school activities and birthdays and remember to ask children about them.

Stay in touch

A study of 32 long distance families stressed that frequent contact was important for maintaining relationships¹. Jennie Hannan agrees. ‘Families should avoid saving things up for when they are reunited’. She thinks the main thing is to ‘get with the technology’.

‘Something small - a text message saying: “I love you” or “How are you?” - shows a child that their parent in another city is thinking of and supporting them’ Hannan says.

Communicating with children

Children need direct and regular communication on their terms.  Short and frequent is best, matched to children’s age and ability.

Parents need to take the initiative and ensure at least some separate communication with each child during absences.

Communicate with your child not your former partner – don’t use your child to pass messages. Agree separately with your ex on a time and place to discuss issues.

Click here for more ideas on staying connected with children

After an absence

Each time parents return, their children have grown and changed. For older children changes may not be immediately obvious. You to find out what is different in their children’s world since you last saw them. Find phamphlets or other information to help you know what to expect at different stages of your child’s development.

Your children’s own activities, friendships and peer network take on increasing importance as they grow and needs to be factored into time together.

Sometimes long distance parents try too hard to make up for absences. Remember, all children need firm boundaries.

Planning for time together

If you do not usually live with your child, plan their visit in advance (with them if possible). Talk about what they will bring and what you need to provide.

Make a note of important dates and events such as birthdays, school commitments and Christmas when making arrangements.

For children younger than eight years, a routine for transition between households can ease the stress of adjustment.

Give your children their own space in your home, allowing them to decorate and put familiar objects in it. Include them in household routines. Give them jobs they can manage. Shop and cook together and make sure to have supplies of food they enjoy.

Be prepared for emergencies. Keep important telephone numbers and information handy. Think about what you might need to do; who you might contact in an emergency.

‘First’ anniversaries can be difficult e.g. the first Christmas or birthday separated form your children. Be flexible and think about letting go of old traditions so that you can fit in new ones that match your changing circumstances.

Tips for long distance couples

Couples can put in place a few measures that support their relationships with children and each other. Tips for Long Distance Couples contains more information. 

Tips on staying in touch with children

• Reassure your children that being apart doesn’t mean losing contact.
• Let your children know, if you can, how and when you will next be in contact. This gives both of you something to look forward to.
• Make contact short and often: use regular phone calls, emails, fax and text messages to stay in touch. Say goodnight, tell a joke, describe a funny incident or hear what happened in their day. Ask follow up questions next time to show you listened.
• Give your child a pre-paid phone card to make long distance calls. Even pagers can let children send simple messages such as ‘hi’ or ‘call’.
• Try new technology – use online messaging, internet webcam and interface sites e.g. Bebo, Myspace and Facebook to interact and keep up to date with your children and their world.
• Begin an activity that continues during absences: start a vegetable patch, flower bed, patches or knitted squares for a blanket, learn to play a song. Swap recordings or images to show progress and interest.
• Give your child a token: a book mark, special cup or vase, a key-ring, pillowcase or any number of everyday items that they can use when you are not together.
• Stay up to date – check the school website or ask for newsletters, notices and reports to be sent to you. Send your child information to help on homework and school projects.

Resources and links

For families managing distance relationships

The FRSA Service Directory provides contact details for relationship services operating in more than 400 locations across Australia, alternatively call the Family Relationships Advice Line on 1800 050 321 (8am - 8pm Mon - Fri, 10 am - 4pm Sat).

ChaTFirst is a child-centred website that helps parents and children managing separation.

The Child Support Agency provides information, support and resources to help separated parents. Look for publications such as Me and My Kids—Parenting from a distance and Staying Connected.

Heywire is an online space for young people from rural and regional Australia to create and share their stories, ideas and opinions.
Stepfamilies Australia is the national organisation for step and blended families.

For Defence families

Defence Community Organisation provides social networks and support for defence members and their families and helps with information on parenting, relocating and separation during deployment

Defence Families of Australia is an independent advocacy group for families of defence force members

For employers

Staying Connected is a three hour workplace program developed by the Child Support Agency targetting separated parents in the workplace, with information and tips on staying connected with children after separation.

Fly-in fly-out employment: Managing the parenting transitions is a joint research project on early parenting and long distance commuting by the Centre for Social and Community Research, Murdoch University, Ngala and Meerilinga, WA.

¹Gallegos, Danielle Fly-in fly-out employment: Managing the parenting transitions, 2006

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