Relationship Conflict

Most relationships experience conflict. It is normal to have disagreements and feelings of irritability or anger towards other family members from time to time. How you handle conflict and what it does to your relationships is what matters.

Remember conflict is different from violence. Conflict occurs when differences of opinion are brought into the open. Some parents, couples and families have high level conflict, arguing frequently and with great intensity but they are not violent. 

Family violence involves harm or threatened harm by one person against another, this can occur with or without conflict - sometimes there is too much fear for conflict. Family violence can take many forms, it may involve physical injury, fear, intimidation or emotional deprivation.   

If you or a member of your family is unsafe because of violence or the threat of violence click here for more information 
and details of where to get help.

Conflict and healthy relationships

In the absence of violence, a certain amount of conflict is a sign of a mature and trusting relationship. Each person feels free to express differences of opinion and share negative as well as positive feelings while they work out better ways to live and work together.

Conflict may not always be expressed in a loud argument but by withdrawal, inability to speak or listen to each other, lack of understanding or empathy. This can still cause feelings of frustration, anger and isolation.

While an individual incident may pass, unresolved conflict can set up unhelpful patterns that stop you sorting the real problem. These patterns can become increasingly hard to change over time so it is good to develop healthy responses to conflict early in the relationship or get some help if conflict is becoming a problem. 

Common sources of conflict within families

Some areas that commonly create conflict within relationships include:

• money and finances 
• differences in goals and values 
• struggle for control (who's in charge)
• differing communication patterns 
• disagreements over child rearing practices and beliefs
• shared responsibilities - and who takes day-to-day responsibility for children and household tasks 
• relationships with in-laws and friends, including the relationships between children and the extended family
• sex and intimacy 
• individual time versus shared time 
• alcohol or drug use
• cultural and generational differences 

Conflict and parenting

Raising children is a challenging and long-term job. Parents need the skills of a diplomat, strategist, psychologist, coach and teacher. As well as the conflict areas mentioned above, there are three key areas that seem to spark conflict between parents.

Child rearing beliefs and practices: Who knows best ….? The most effective parenting occurs where parents stop competing and start forming a partnership. Use each other’s skills, try to accommodate each other’s views and back each other up. 

Sharing the load: Who does the most? Whose turn is it to ….? Both intact and separated families can get into conflict over who has day-to-day responsibility for activities and decisions from washing school clothes to making dental appointments.

Parent vs Couple identity: How much/how little sex? Conflict can occur when couples let their parenting role overtake their relationship. Combined with work pressure, tiredness and other priorities, the demands of parenting can reduce the intimate time couples spend together. You need to make more time for yourself and more time for your couple relationship.

Adapted from Michael Grose’s ‘What Parent Couples Fight Over’

Resolving and managing conflict

The intensity and type of conflict will differ depending on the circumstances. Individuals also express conflict in different ways, so it’s important to find what works for you as a couple, to recognise the underlying issue and ‘fight fair’.  But depending on your earlier experiences this might be harder than it sounds. Many people reach adulthood, form relationships and have children without ever learning how to ‘fight fair’.

• Think first: Be clear about what is upsetting you and whether there are any underlying issues that have lead to your anger. Ask yourself: is this issue worth it?
• Choose a time and place: Try to choose a low stress time and don’t leave it too long – within 24 hours of the trigger event is a good guide. Avoid arguing in front of the children. You can even ‘make an appointment’ to argue with the other person.
• Respect: Absolutely no violence. Stick to words and stay calm. Take time out if things heat up and agree to reconvene later. Show respect for the other person and their point of view.
• Be specific: State the problem and use ‘I’ statements not ‘You’ statements eg ‘I feel upset when …’ rather than ‘You are always…’. Stick to the topic and don’t bring up old events.
• Listen: Use active listening to increase understanding. Make eye contact, verbally acknowledge the other's feelings and comments. Ask questions to be sure you understand.
• Agree to disagree: Try to see the other person’s point of view but accept that sometimes you will disagree.
• Speak for yourself: Don’t put words in the other person’s mouth. Don’t use name calling or become abusive.
• Afterwards: Reflect on what has happened. What did you learn about your partner? Were you able to ‘fight fair’? Are you satisfied with the outcome? Do you think the other person is satisfied?

Adapted from Lee Scheingold’s ‘Fighting Fair for Couples’, published by McKesson Clinical Reference Systems, 2002 

When and where to get help

Conflict may intensify when your relationship is under stress. Common stress triggers include facing a crisis, having a baby, making a significant decision, moving house or changing jobs.  Sometimes conflict can start to develop into a pattern or become too hard to resolve. If conflict in any of your relationships is causing you concern or becoming worse, whether with your partner or ex-partner, children, stepchildren, parent, stepparent or stepsiblings — there are people you can talk to.  Perhaps you have someone you trust such as a friend or relative who you can talk to. Another option is to contact a family relationship service for some advice on managing conflict and strengthening your relationship.  

Family relationship services work with individuals, couples and families to help identify and resolve conflict.  They can also provide very practical tips to improve day-to-day communication and decision-making.  Specific service types that might be useful include:

• Family Relationship Education and Skills Training 
• Family Relationships Counselling (including Family Therapy)
• Family Dispute Resolution
• Parenting Orders Program 
• Men and Family Relationship Services

To find a service near you use the FRSA Service Directory or call the Family Relationships Advice Line on 1800 050 321 (8am - 8pm Mon - Fri, 10 am - 4pm Sat).

Useful Links

• Family Relationships Online provides all families (whether together or separated) with access to information about family relationship issues, ranging from building better relationships to dispute resolution.
• Use the FRSA Resource Directory to find useful resources for strengthening relationships.
• Mensline Australia has a range of tip sheets and information for Dads.
• Parenting advice lines operate in all States and Territories to provide telephone advice and counselling for parents.
• Lee Scheingold’s ‘Fighting Fair for Couples’ (2002) published by McKesson Clinical Reference Systems.
• Reachout is a service that helps young people get through tough times. It provides information and support on a range of issues including issues in friendships and family relationships, factsheets cover topics such as effective communication and conflict resolution. 

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