Step and Blended Families
Step and blended families are not new. Previously they tended to form when a widowed parent remarried.
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Key Terms...
Stepfamily: A couple family containing one or more children, at least one of whom is the stepchild of either member of the couple and none of whom is the natural or foster child of both members of the couple.
Blended family: a couple family containing two or more children, of whom at least one is the natural child of both parents, and at least one is the stepchild of either parent.
Population statistics
The number of step and blended families has grown by an estimated 50% over the last ten years to represent 10.6% of all couple families with children. Source: Australian Bureau of Statistics.
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Now stepfamilies are more likely to form when people divorce or separate and then re-partner.
This can make for greater challenges and more complex family interactions. Fairy tales, myths and the media emphasise the risks and downsides of stepfamily life. Many families avoid the ‘step’ label because of its negative associations. But the myths and the media do not give the whole story.
It is true that stepfamilies often experience some unique stresses, particularly in the early stages. This can be a time of strong and sometimes unexpected emotions. Some family members may be struggling to work out strategies, rules and roles for getting along together, other may be resisting the change and struggling with emotions such as dislocation. For children, forming a new stepfamily may cause feelings that occurred during a marriage break-down or the loss of a parent to resurface. Yet these feelings of dislocation or sadness may not be readily expressed and adults can be slower to recognise or respond to them.
Despite these challenges, most stepfamilies survive the early difficulties to develop into strong nurturing families in which children thrive. Research consistently identifies that children from divorced and remarried families are doing well on health and wellbeing measures. Research also suggests that the stepparent-child bond can have a positive impact on the child’s self-concept and wellbeing into adulthood.
Change takes time
Developing new ways to parent will happen gradually, it is not something you can achieve overnight. If you are struggling during the establishment of a stepfamily, the good news is that difficulties tend to peak in the first two years. Within five years many stepfamilies have resolved early problems and settled into a constructive rhythm. As with all families, they continue to face new challenges as members, particularly children, grow through all the usual developmental stages.
Individual children adapt at different paces too. Research suggests that children younger than five and older than 18 years tend to adapt more easily than children aged between five and 18 years.
Children need space to talk about their feelings, concerns, fears and hopes. Sometimes they might feel comfortable talking to their parents and stepparents and other times they need to access other supports. Some useful contacts are provided below.
Stepfamily Strengths
All families develop their own strengths. Stepfamilies seem to operate best where efforts are made to be open about decisions, where family workings are consciously arrived at, where dealings are not left to chance. Successful stepfamilies tend to:
- Have a strong couple bond
- Show sensitivity to children and their differing needs - adolescents look for ‘space’ from family while younger children need reassurance and security
- Make separate time for ‘original family’ members
- Plan rather than ‘let things happen’. Keep all parties informed of changes - particularly when making decisions with an ex-partner that affect children or household workings
- Take a long term view - problems will continue to arise and evolve as children grow and family shape
 changes. How do you want things to be in the long term? At your child’s graduation or wedding?
- Accept ‘good enough’ - solutions evolve over time. Look for ways that work now while continuing to build better relationships. Sometimes you have to accept ‘this is the best way to do things – for now’
- Show respect for all members - respect rather than love is the basis for new stepfamily relationships. Love may come later but can’t be forced1
Finally, stepfamilies need to have a big supply of good will to weather storms in the early years.
What adults can do for kids
There are strategies parents can use to help kids adjust to life in a step or blended family, for example:
- Be realistic. Your stepfamily won’t be the same as any other family you’ve been in. Don’t expect too much too soon
- Be sensitive. Think about how things seem from the child’s point of view. They may feel mixed-up, powerless, jealous or angry. Teenagers particularly may feel embarrassed seeing parents with a new partner
- Be as honest as possible about the reasons you are no longer with your child’s parent. Your children need to know they can ask you anything and can trust the answer you give
- Be clear with your children that it is not their fault (most will blame themselves). Tell them (more than once!) that you love them and they will always have a special place with you
- Be clear that you and your previous partner are not going to reunite. Many children, including teenagers, hang on to this hope or want to return to the time their parent was single
It may also help to talk to a relationship counsellor either on the telephone or in person. Family relationship services across Australia are available to provide practical support - use the FRSA Services Directory to locate a service near you or call the Family Relationships Advice Line on 1800 050 321. There are also stepfamily associations in Victoria, NSW, Queensland, South Australia and Western Australia that can put you in touch with local peer support groups or other step and blended families.
What kids can do
Need to talk?
Stepfamily Helpline (VIC) 03 9481 1500
Kids Help Line 1800 55 1800
Lifeline
13 11 14
Mensline Australia 1300 78 99 78
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- Look for times to talk with your parents when they are calm. If people are upset it can be hard to talk or listen clearly
- Ask your parents to tell you what is happening
- Let them know how you feel. Tell them if you are feeling torn between them and tell them where you want to live
- Ask them not to talk to you about their problems with each other
- Talk to other family members about how you feel
- Talk to someone outside the situation – someone who has been through it; a school counsellor, a teacher or a friend who can understand you
- Give yourself a break – Listen to music, skate with friends, ride a bike. Get away from parent problems for a while by doing something you love!
Adapted from materials developed by Reachout! and Stepfamily Association of Victoria.
Useful links
1 These tips were adapted from ‘Stepfamilies: Understanding and responding effectively’ by Margaret Howden, a briefing paper developed for the Australian Family Relationships Clearinghouse. |
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